Warning!! super depressing post, with good lessons learned.

Warning!! super depressing post, with good lessons learned.

Its been a crazy month or so. I have a lot of blogging to get caught up on, but I wanted to write something very important I have learned. It seems Parker's Diabetes has been crazy lately. (as if diabetes is ever normal!) We have had a lot of high blood sugars and a lot of lows! One Sunday when going to church he had a blood sugar well over 400 (shouldn't be over 180) I knew it was going to be a long hour on the bench alone since Grant is in the Bishopric. When he gets high like this he is very hard to handle. He gets angry and sometimes aggressive and there is no reasoning with him. I was right too, about 5 minutes into sacrament meeting Parker wanted a graham cracker. I wouldn't let him have one until his blood sugars came down and he was not happy! He was screaming and kicking and throwing things. I tried the hardest I could to control him until after the sacrament was over. I could feel the stares I was getting from the rest of the congregation. Not looks of disgust or anger, looks of pity, and that almost felt worse. Finally I couldn't hold back tears any longer, I picked him up kicking and screaming with tears streaming down my face and left the chapel and took him to the mothers lounge. On our way there, he started peeing his pants and got it all over my shirt. Luckily we got the majority in the toilet :)(high blood sugars cause you to urinate and there is no bladder control)  Once in the bathroom his cries turned from cries of anger to cries of sadness like mine. I knew he didn't want to be that way, he didn't feel good and had no control over his actions when he is that high. We both just sat in the mothers lounge and had a good cry together for a minute. That was a hard day!! We have had a lot of hard days it seems. Parker now has to sleep with me every night because his blood sugars drop so much in the night. We wake up 1-3 times a night to test his sugars and give him food to bring him up when needed. Sometimes its an hour process to get him to eat because he is tired and angry. I don't know how Grant gets up and goes to work in the morning. He will be over 300 one hour and I will get the feeling to check him an hour later and he is a 50! ( should not be below 80) We had two sugar levels in the 40's yesterday which are very scary!! I have gotten to the point where I fear him dropping in his sleep and just not waking up, I am constantly checking him and making sure he is ok. Emotionally I had hit rock bottom! One night a couple weeks ago I was just laying with Parker while he slept and I was crying because I didn't know how I could possibly get up and do it all over again the next day. We are only into this new life 5 months, how am I going to do this for the rest of his life? I could tell Grant was worried about me. We got to talking and he said something to me that changed my whole state of mind. He told me that times like this is when we need the atonement. I had never thought of the atonement in that way. I knew Christ had died for our sins, but had never thought about the fact that he also died for our sorrows, and shortcomings. When we have given it all we can give, we can take our struggles and hand them over to him and he makes up the rest. Now when I have hard days, I pray to my Heavenly Father and I tell him I have given it the best I could, now I need his help to make me enough until it gets better. This realization hasn't made the hard days go away, but it has made them bearable. Even though I hate this trial we have been given, I am so thankful for the lessons I am learning. The lessons of empathy towards others in their trials, the realization that we all fight our own battles, sometimes battles many don't know about. Lessons that I know that I have a savior who is by side who cries when I cry and rejoices with me when we have a good day! I know that my brother and savior died for me! Not just for my sins but so that I can be enough in the moments that I don't think I am. I have learned more than ever what an amazing supportive husband I have been blessed with! There is no way I could do this without him. I have learned that I have a warrior as a son. I don't know of to many 4 year old's who could have their finger pricked every 2 hours and shots 3-6 times a day, have his blood drawn every 3 months and never a tear! He is strong beyond belief and I am so proud of him. I know I have been given this trial because Heavenly Father knows I can handle it. I take life 1 day at a time, and try not to think of tomorrow. I am so thankful for all the good days too, and pray that each day will get a little easier :)